Thursday, July 25, 2013

In My Heart

We discovered I was pregnant after I secretly took a pregnancy test.  Wanting to share my surprise and excitement over the positive result with my hubby, I sent a quick text pic.  Imagine my surprise when I got the reply text and realized that I inadvertently sent the text to my friend, Kendall (the last person I had texted), rather than Matt.  Yeah, technology is not my forte!

I made an appointment to see the doctor and was thrilled to hear my baby's heartbeat!  Little did I know that only a few weeks later, at a follow up appointment, I would hear those dreadful words, "I'm so sorry..."

The next few weeks were a blur.  We waited patiently for the process to happen naturally.  My sweet baby was in heaven, yet I still carried a tiny body in my womb.  A few days after Christmas, after hours of intense labor pains, I was no longer pregnant.  As I endured the contractions, I knew the pain was without reward.  The pain wasn't bringing the typical reward of childbirth, instead I was miscarrying the precious child I had grown to love.

Job 1:21 "The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord."

I felt alone.  Despite the fact that we had unshakable support from our family and our church.  Despite the fact that women stepped forward to share their experiences.  Despite being surrounded by my amazing husband and the three wonderful sons God has blessed me with...I felt lonely.  Part of me was missing.

Psalm 34:18 "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit."

The physical pain was gone, but the spiritual and emotional pain was ever present.  Our OB estimated our baby's gestational age to be around 10 weeks.  Even in that brief time, I fell in love.  I made plans.  I had brainstormed sleeping arrangements for four children in a 3 bedroom home.  I was already researching names.  My littlest was already talking to my tummy.  I bought a stroller off the local FB swap page. I was making a place for this child in our family.  But God had a different plan.

I questioned God.  The truth is, some days I still do.  BUT, I know He is faithful.  I know He is good.  I know He is trustworthy.  I know He is gracious.  I know He loves me.  Those truths sustain me.

Nahum 1:7 "The Lord is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble; he knows those who take refuge in Him."

I'm still walking through the grief.  Some days I am perfectly content, full of joy, and feel blessed beyond belief.  Other days, the ache of loss is so deep, the hole in my heart so big, I struggle to be a good wife and a good mom.  On those days, I am purposing to find joy and to acknowledge my blessings.  The comforting hug of my husband.  The laughter of my boys.  A phone call from my parents.  A text from a friend.  The beauty of His creation.

Isaiah 26:3  "You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you."

Today, on the due date of our baby that God called home, I am choosing to be thankful.  I'm thankful that our baby will never know a day apart from God.  I am so thankful for the promise that one day, when I get to Heaven, I will hold my youngest in my arms.  And, I'm thankful that for now, that baby will be held dearly in my heart.

Proverbs 3:5-8 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him and He will make your paths straight."


Jenny Patterson said...

Your words could be my words. I know the struggle of that walk. I had to lean on others through the time that I mourned our second baby. I look back and stand in awe of who God surrounded us with during that being one of them...the meal you brought and your tenderness never forgotten. I remember a friend who literally held my hand outside the worship center and prayed for me because I didn't know if I could go in to worship God who had left me there empty...someone had prayed for her and held her hands years before as well. I remember the labor pains and I ran from pregnant friends. We lost our baby the weekend before Christmas and i remember walking through those days as if a zombie. I remember the tree we bought in remembrance of our baby and think of that baby every time we light it up. I remember the time my dad sat with me to comfort me...the only time in my life he did and only a few months before I too sat beside him as he died. Our heavenly baby brought us a lot in such a short time. Cry and at the same time find strength to rejoice for the plan and the purpose God has for you and your heavenly baby.